10 things i hate about you, ronnie and roxy
by eastendersmaniac
Summary: PLEASE NO FLAMES. ONESHOT. I DO NOT OWN THE SCRIPT. I BORROWED IT OFF SOME SITE. TITLE SAYS IT ALL.


PLEASE NO FLAMES. ONESHOT. I DO NOT OWN THE SCRIPT. I BORROWED IT OFF SOME SITE.

EXT. PADUA HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Welcome to Padua High, your typical upper-middle-class high school in

Seattle, Washington.

EXT. PADUA HIGH SCHOOL, THE STREET OUTSIDE - DAY

Two cookie-cutter-cute girls sing along in their car to a bit of popular fluff music.

RONNIE MITCHELL, eighteen, pretty but trying hard not to be (and failing). She pulls her rundown car up next to theirs and scowls with indignation at their choice of music.

EXT. PADUA HIGH SCHOOL, FRONT STEPS- DAY

Ronnie hurries toward the front door of what appears to be the Wayne Manor version of an ordinary high school. She approaches another cookie-cutter-cutie pasting an advert for prom on the wall, and tears it down in passing.

PROM POSTER GIRL

Hey!

INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY

SEAN SLATER, a clean-cut, easy-going new kid at school with an optimistic, innocent face, sits facing MISS PERKY, a conservative spinster stereotype turned on its head. She's in the middle of composing some racy lines from her pulp romance-novel-in-progress on her laptop.

MISS PERKY

So, Sean. Here you go. (reviews his transcript)

9 schools in 10 years, my my... Army brat?

SEAN

Yeah. My dad's a...

MISS PERKY

That's enough.

I'm sure you won't find Padua any different than your old school. Same little asswipe shit-for-brains everywhere.

SEAN

Excuse me. Did you just say... Am I in the right office?

MISS PERKY

Not anymore you're not. I've got deviants to see and a novel to finish. Now scoot. Scoot!

SEAN

Okay. Thanks.

Sean rises to leave and passes JACK BRANNING, a smug, longhaired Australian, who's on his way in. Miss Perky looks down at her file and up at Jack.

MISS PERKY

(continuing)

Jack branning. I see we're making our visits a weekly ritual.

She gives him a disapproving glance. He answers with a charming

smile.

JACK

Only so we can have these moments together. Should I, uh, get the lights?

MISS PERKY

Oh very clever, kangaroo boy. Says here you exposed yourself in the cafeteria?

JACK

I was joking with the lunch lady. It was a bratwurst.

MISS PERKY

Bratwurst?

(glances at his loins suspiciously)

Aren't we the optimist? Next time keep it in your pouch, okay? Scoot!

After he leaves, she goes back to writing her novel, adding the word "bratwurst" to the sentence she's working on.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

JASE DYER, a typical, overachieving, brainy senior with a young

republican's sense of style, introduces himself to Sean among the

bustle of the hall.

JASE

Jase Dyer. I'm supposed to show you around.

SEAN

Oh hi.

(seems relieved)

Thank God! You know, normally

they send down one of those audio/video geeks.

JASE

(flustered)

You know, I do. I know what you mean, yeah.

An audio/video geek pushing a cart full of film equipment rolls along

side them.

A/V GEEK

Hey Jase, where should I put those slides?

JASE

(brushes off the A/V Geek)

Jase?!

(Turns back to Sean)

So, uh,

(checks a piece of paper)

...Sean. Here's the breakdown:

They begin to walk down the hallway.

JASE

(Continuing)

Over there you've got your basic beautiful people.

Now listen. Unless they talk to you first, don't bother.

SEAN

But wait. Is that your rule or theirs?

JASE

Watch.

(To an ironically not very good looking jock as they pass)

Hey there.

JOCK

Geek.

JASE

(To Sean)

See that?

The Jock and his friends glare as if offended as the two walk away.

EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY

Groups of students stand around. Jase and Sean continue their walk.

JASE

(Continuing)

To the left we have the coffee kids.

COFFEE KID 1

Whoa!

(spills his coffee)

COFFEE KID 2

That was Costa Rican, butthead!

JASE

Very edgy. Don't make any sudden moves around them.

They step down and pass a table full of white boys with dreadlocks and

prerequisite Jamaican berets.

JASE

And these delusionals are the White Rasta.

Uh, they're big Marley fans. They think they're black.

Semi-political, but mostly...

SEAN

Smoke a lot of weed?

JASE

Yeah.

They now approach a few kids dressed as urban cowboys.

JASE

(continuing)

These guys...

SEAN

Wait wait. Let me guess. Cowboys?

JASE

Yeah but, the closest they've come to a cow is

Macdonald's.

(laughs at his own lame joke)

Hah hah...MacDonald's!

They approach a group of studious-looking teens who are bent over

textbooks at a table.

JASE

These are your future MBAs- We're all Ivy League accepted.

Yuppie greed is back, my friend.

(to the group)

Hey guys. How ya doin'?

One of them looks annoyed and mutters something about "Bogie". It is, in fact

BOGIE LEVENSTEIN himself, leader of the academic geeks. Why does he mutter his

own name? Maybe he just likes to speak in the third person...

JASE

(continuing as they walk away)

Yesterday I was their god.

SEAN

What happened?

JASE

Bogie Levenstein started a rumor that I...that I buy

my Izods at an outlet mall.

SEAN

So they kicked you out?

JASE

Hostile takeover. But don't worry. They'll pay.

Now over here...

SEAN

(Suddenly distracted)

Oh my god!

ROXY, a young cream puff of a blonde girl, walks by in slow motion.

Sean is in deep smit.

SEAN

(Continues)

What group is she in?

JASE

The "don't even think about it" group.

That's Roxy Mitchell. A sophomore.

SEAN

I burn! I pine! I perish!

JASE

Of course you do. You know, she's beautiful and deep. Pure.

Roxy walks with her friend, CHRISTIAN, a cute and seemingly less loquacious

version of herself.

ROXY

Yup, see, there's a difference between "like"

and "love". Because I like my Sketchers, but I love my Prada

backpack.

CHRISTIAN

But I love my Sketchers.

ROXY

That's because you don't have a Prada backpack.

CHRISTIAN

(Enamored of Roxy's wisdom)

Ohhh!

JASE

(To Sean)

Listen. Forget her. Incredibly uptight father,

and it's a widely known fact that the Stratford sisters aren't

allowed to date.

SEAN

Uh huh...yeah. [What if?]

INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY

A room full of bored seniors doodle and stare off into space.

MR. MORGAN, an educated, no-nonsense man in his early thirties

presides.

MR. MORGAN

Okay then. What did everyone think of The Sun Also Rises?

A girl raises her hand and offers her appraisal.

ROMANTIC GIRL

I loved it.

(She sighs)

It was sooo romantic.

Ronnie, the girl we saw as we entered the school, is wearing a camo top in

preparation for her daily war against high school ignorance.

RONNIE

(disgusted)

Romantic? Hemingway?! He was an abusive alcoholic

misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso

trying to nail his leftovers.

The other students roll their eyes.

JOEL JOHNSTON, a slicked-back knock-off of Slater from Saved By The Bell

makes fun of her from his row.

JOEL

As opposed to a bitter self-righteous

hag who has no friends?

A few giggles. Ronnie fumes from her seat without looking back.

MR. MORGAN

Pipe down, Chachie.

RONNIE

I guess in this society being male and an asshole

makes you worthy of our time.

What about Sylvia Platt or Charlotte Bronte or

Simone de Beauvoir?

Jack suddenly steps into the classroom, late.

JACK

What'd I miss?

RONNIE

The oppressive patriarchal values that dictate our education.

JACK

Good.

(immediately turns and leaves)

MR. MORGAN

(Shouting after him)

Hey, hey!

JOEL

Uh, Mr. Morgan. Is there any chance we could get Ronnie to

take her Mydol before she comes to class?

More snickers from the class.

MR. MORGAN

Some day you're gonna get bitch-slapped and I'm not gonna do

a thing to stop it. And Ronnie. I want to thank you for your

point of view.

She smiles to herself, her social indignation justified.

MR. MORGAN

(continuing)

I know how difficult it must be for you to overcome all those

years of upper middle class suburban oppression. It must be tough.

She deflates and becomes bitter again.

MR. MORGAN

(continuing)

But the next time you storm around the PTA crusading for better

lunch meat, or whatever it is you white girls complain about,

ask them why they can't buy a book written by a black man!

Two of the White Rasta kids from earlier take up his cry of inequality.

WHITE RASTA CHORUS

That's right mon!

MR. MORGAN

Don't even get me started on you two!

They grumble apologetically and quickly shut up.

Ronnie is fuming again.

RONNIE

Anything else?

MR. MORGAN

Yeah. Go to the office. You're pissing me off.

RONNIE

What?! Mr. Morgan!

MR. MORGAN

Later!

Ronnie gets up in a tiff and on her way out hits Joel in the face with her books.

INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Miss Perky sits in front of her laptop, composing her sleazy novel.

MISS PERKY

Undulating with desire, Adrienne removes her crimson cape...

...excitable, stiff and...

(frustrated, calls to attendant)

Judith!

Judith appears at the door.

MISS PERKY

What's another word for...engorged?

JUDITH

I'll look it up.

MISS PERKY

Okay.

(returns to composing)

Ronnie approaches the office and overhears Miss Perky searching for the

right word.

MISS PERKY

(continuing)

...swollen...turgid...

RONNIE

Tumescent?

MISS PERKY

Perfect! So I hear you were terrorizing Mr. Morgan's class.

Again.

RONNIE

Expressing my opinion is not a

terrorist action.

MISS PERKY

The way you expressed your opinion to Bobby Ridgeway?

By the way, his testicle retrieval operation

went quite well, in case you're

interested.

RONNIE

I still maintain that he kicked himself

in the balls.

MISS PERKY

The point is Ronnie...

She suddenly makes the connection between Ronnie's name and the picture

of a cat on her coffee mug. She finds it amusing and points to the mug.

MISS PERKY

Cat!

(She giggles, then turns back to Ronnie)

People perceive you as somewhat ...

RONNIE

Tempestuous?

MISS PERKY

"Heinous bitch" is the term used most often.

Ronnie is unflattered.

MISS PERKY

(continuing)

You might want to work on that. Thank you.

Ronnie rises from her chair.

RONNIE

(sarcastic)

As always, thank you for your excellent

guidance. I'll let you get back to Reginald's

quivering member.

Ronnie leaves the office.

MISS PERKY

(to herself)

Quivering member... I like that.

EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY

Joel and his COHORT, a tough-looking kid, are standing around people

watching. His Cohort notices Roxy and Christian entering the courtyard

and calls Joel's attention to Roxy.

COHORT

Virgin alert. [Favorite].

Joel turns to look at Roxy. The girls pass by, noticing Joel.

JOEL

Looking good, ladies.

COHORT

They're outta reach, even for you.

JOEL

No one's out of reach for me.

COHORT

You wanna put money on that?

JOEL

Money I've got. This I'm going to do for fun.

Across the way, Sean and Jase have been watching Roxy and Sean

notices Joel's admiration.

SEAN

Who's that guy?

JASE

It's Joel Johnston. He's a jerkoff. And a model.

SEAN

He's a model?

JASE

A model. Mostly regional stuff. But he's rumored to have

a tube sock ad coming out.

SEAN

Really?

JASE

Really.

They have a laugh at Joel's expense. Sean turns back to watching Roxy.

SEAN

Man, look at her.

JASE

(not impressed)

Is she always so...vapid?

SEAN

How can you say that? She's totally...

JASE

Conceited?

SEAN

What are you talking about? There's more to her than you think.

I mean, look... look at the way she smiles.

And look at her eyes, man. She's totally pure. I mean,

you're missing what's there.

JASE

(unconvinced)

No, Sean. No.

What's there is a snotty little Princess wearing a strategically

planned sun dress to make guys like us realize we can never touch

her, and guys like, uh...

He looks around and notices Joel making his way toward the girls.

JASE

(continuing)

...Joel, realize they want to.

She, my friend, is what we'll spend the rest of our lives

not having. Put her in the Spank Bank. Move on.

SEAN

No.

JASE

Move on.

SEAN

No!

You're wrong about her. I mean, you know, uh,

not about the spanking part. But the rest. You're wrong.

JASE

Alright. I'm wrong? You wanna take a shot? Be my guest.

She's actually looking for a French tutor.

SEAN

Are you serious? That's perfect!

JASE

Do you speak French?

SEAN

Well no. But I will.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY

Ronnie and DAWN, her best friend--beautiful and attired in quasi-Renaissance

clothes--walk toward Ronnie's car. Joel pulls up

beside them in his red sports car.

JOEL

(referring to Ronnie's camouflage top)

Hey. Your little Rambo look is out, Ronnie.

Didn't you read last month's Cosmo?

RONNIE

(barely notices him)

Run along.

She and Dawn continue walking.

Further along, Roxy and Christian are walking, embroiled in meaningful

conversation.

CHRISTIAN

I know you can be overwhelmed.

You can be underwhelmed.

But can you ever just be whelmed?

ROXY

I think you can in Europe.

Joel pulls up alongside them.

JOEL

Hi ladies. Would you sweet young things

like a ride?

They look at each other and immediately hop in, climbing over his

upholstery.

JOEL

Careful on the leather.

Across the lot, Ronnie and Dawn watch this display from inside Ronnie's

clunker.

DAWN

(sarcastic)

That's a charming new development.

RONNIE

It's disgusting.

Meanwhile, Jase has mounted an old motorcycle equipped with a plastic

dork basket on the handles. He jets a bit out of control and kills the engine

in front of Ronnie's car. Pissed off, she shouts out the window.

RONNIE

Remove head from sphincter, then drive!

Jase regains control and pulls out of the way to where Sean has

been watching.

SEAN

You all right?

JASE

Yeah, yeah. Just a minor encounter with the

shrew. Your girlfriend's sister.

SEAN

What? That's Roxy's sister?

JASE

Mmm hmm. The mewling, rampalian wretch herself.

Stay cool, bro.

He jets off once again, risks another near collision, and ends up

flying right off the road and sliding halfway down a grassy hill.

Recovering his composure, he realizes half the school is watching

from the top of the hill. He raises his hands in the air and

gives a victory yell, drawing cheers from the crowd.

INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY

ARCHIE STRATFORD, Ronnie and Roxy's overly-protective father--an

obstetrician--enters through the front door rifling through the mail.

ARCHIE

(to Ronnie)

Hello Ronniearina. Make anyone cry today?

RONNIE

Sadly, no. But it's only four-thirty.

Archie smiles proudly as Roxy walks in and kisses him on the cheek.

ROXY

Hi Daddy.

ARCHIE

Hello, precious.

RONNIE

And where've you been?

ROXY

(gives Ronnie a sour look)

Nowhere.

Archie, who hasn't raised his eyes from the mail, is inspecting a letter.

ARCHIE

What's this? It says Sarah Lawrence?

Ronnie snatches it away from him and runs across the room in a flurry of

excitement, tearing it open and reading the contents silently.

RONNIE

I got in! I got in!

ARCHIE

Uh, honey that's great. But isn't Sarah Lawrence on the

other side of the country?

RONNIE

Thus the basis of its appeal.

ARCHIE

Yeah. I thought we decided you were gonna stay here and

go to U Dub like me. Be a husky.

He makes some inspiring growling noises.

RONNIE

No, you decided.

ARCHIE

Oh okay. So you just pick up and leave, is that it?

ROXY

(brimming at the idea)

Let's hope so.

Ronnie gives Roxy a spiteful look then smiles sweetly.

RONNIE

Ask Roxy who drove her home.

ARCHIE

Ronnie, don't change the...drove?

(to Roxy)

Who drove you home?

Roxy glares at Ronnie then turns to Archie

ROXY

Now don't get upset, daddy, but there's

this boy...

RONNIE

Who's a flaming imbecile.

ARCHIE

Please...

ROXY

(continuing)

and I think he might ask me...

ARCHIE

Please. I think I know what he's going to ask you.

And I think I know the answer: No. It's always no.

What are the house rules? #1: no dating till you graduate.

#2: no dating till you graduate. That's it.

ROXY

Daddy, that's so unfair.

ARCHIE

Alright. You wanna know what's unfair?

(to Ronnie)

This is for you too.

(continues)

This morning I delivered a set of twins to

a 15 year old girl. Do you know what she said to me?

ROXY

I'm a crack-whore who should have made my sleazy

boyfriend wear a condom?

Archie pauses and thinks for a moment.

ARCHIE

Close. But no. She said: I should have listened

to my father.

ROXY

She did not.

ARCHIE

Well, that's what she would've said if she wasn't

so doped up.

ROXY

Can we focus on me for a second please? I am

the only girl in school who's not dating.

ARCHIE

Oh no you're not. Your sister doesn't date.

RONNIE

And I don't intend to.

ARCHIE

And why is that again?

Archie is pleased and points to Roxy, expecting Ronnie to justify him.

RONNIE

Have you seen the unwashed miscreants that go to that school?

ROXY

Where did you come from? Planet Loser?

RONNIE

As opposed to planet "look at me! look at me!"?

ARCHIE

Okay, here's how we solve this one. Old rule out.

New rule: Roxy can date...

Roxy lights up and Ronnie looks upset.

ARCHIE

(continuing)

...when she does.

(points at Ronnie)

ROXY

But she's a mutant! What if she never dates?

ARCHIE

(very pleased with his new rule)

Then you'll never date. Oh, I like that. And I'll get to

sleep at night. The deep slumber of a father who's

daughters aren't out being impregnated.

His beeper goes off and he heads for the door. Ronnie heads for the

stairs.

ARCHIE

(to Ronnie)

We'll talk about Sarah Lawrence later.

RONNIE

Fine.

ROXY

Wait! Daddy!

ARCHIE

I gotta go.

He leaves.

ROXY

Can't you find [a sad enough] retard to take you

to the movies so I can have just one date?

RONNIE

I'm sorry. Looks like you'll just have to miss out

on the witty repartee of Joel "eat me" Johnston.

ROXY

You suck.

RONNIE

(imitating Roxy)

You suck.

INT. TUTORING ROOM - DAY

Sean sits at a table prepping for the French lesson he has scheduled

with Roxy. Roxy arrives and plops down across from him.

ROXY

Can we make this quick? Roxanne,

Korrine and Andrew Barrett are having an

incredibly horrendous public break- up

on the quad. Again.

SEAN

Oh, yeah, um, okay. I thought we'd start with

pronunciation, if that's alright with you.

ROXY

Not the hacking and gagging and spitting part. Please.

SEAN

Well, there is an alternative.

French food. We could eat some together. Saturday night?

ROXY

You're asking me out? That's so cute.

What's your name again?

SEAN

Sean. Listen. I know that your dad doesn't let you

date. But I thought that if it was for French class it...

ROXY

Oh, wait a minute. Curtis...

SEAN

Sean.

ROXY

My dad just came up with a new rule. I can date

when my sister does.

SEAN

You're kidding! Well let me ask you, do you like sailing?

'Cause I read about this place that rents out boats...

ROXY

A beaucoup problemo, Calvin. In case you haven't heard,

my sister's a particularly hideous breed of

loser.

SEAN

Yeah yeah. I noticed she's a little anti-social.

Why is that?

ROXY

Unsolved mystery. She used to be

really popular, and then it was like...she got

sick of it. Or something. There is a [bet] as

to why, but I'm pretty sure she's just incapable

of human interaction. Plus, she's a bitch.

SEAN

Well yeah, but I'm sure, you know, that there's lots of

guys who wouldn't mind going out with a...difficult woman.

I mean, you know, people jump out of airplanes, ski off

cliffs. It would be like extreme dating.

ROXY

You think you could find someone that extreme?

SEAN

Yeah sure, why not?

She reaches out and touches his arm

ROXY

Would you do that, for me?

SEAN

Oh yes! I mean, you know, I could look into it.

EXT. A STAIRWELL ON CAMPUS - DAY

Jase leads Sean down a set of concrete steps to a secret gathering

of dating candidates for Ronnie.

JASE

Now, I have gathered a group of guys. Couldn't be more

perfect. Padua's finest.

They enter a dank room, wherein waits a very motly crew of the most

unlikely specimens one would expect. Sean shoots Jase an

unsatsfied grimace.

SEAN

Hi. How ya doin'? Would any of you be interested

in dating Ronniearina Stratford?

What follows is a truncated interview process, where each candidate

in turn sits in the interview chair and gives his response.

CANDIDATE 1

(laughs histerically)

CANDIDATE 2

(stares blankly)

CANDIDATE 3

Ho, I've never been that ripped.

CANDIDATE 4

Maybe if we were the last 2 people alive, and

there were no sheep... Are there sheep?

INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY

Several dissection charts of frog anatomy hang on the walls.

The class is busy dissecting frogs. Jase and Sean, naturally,

are lab partners. Jack and his punk rock friend, SCURVY, are

hacking away at their own specimen behind them.

JASE

Did I, or did I not, tell you it was pointless? No

one will go out with her.

Jack pulls out a butterfly knife and impales his frog violently

with it. Sean has noticed the display.

SEAN

Hey, what about him?

JASE

Him? No no. Don't look at him, okay?

He's a criminal. I heard

he lit a state trooper on fire. He just

did a year in San Quentin.

SEAN

Yeah, well, then at least he's horny.

JASE

I'm serious, man, he's whacked. He

sold his own liver on the black market

for a new set of speakers.

Jack has taken out a cigarette, but just as he lights

it on the Bunsen burner, Scurvy seizes it and snuffs it out.

Frustrated, Jack plays with the Bunsen burner instead.

SEAN

He's our guy.

Jack notices them watching him and they quickly turn away.

INT. WOODSHOP - DAY

Boys and a few stray girls nail their pieces of wood. Sean

and Jase enter, and Sean approaches Jack optimistically.

SEAN

Hi. How ya doin'? Listen, I...

In response, Jack brandishes a loud power tool and drills

a hole in the middle of Sean's beloved French book.

SEAN

(continuing)

Okay... later then.

INT. A HALLWAY - DAY

Jase is staring through the new window in Sean's French book.

JASE

How do we get him to date Ronnie?

SEAN

I don't know. I mean, uh, we could pay him.

But we don't have any money.

JASE

Yeah, well, what we need is a backer.

SEAN

What's that?

JASE

Someone with money who's stupid.

They both look pensive.

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

Joel and his pals sit at a table while Joel draws a pair of boobs

on a cafeteria tray with a magic marker.

JOEL

Oh yeah!

Jase walks up and sits at the table, casual as can be.

JASE

Is that a peach Fruit Roll-Up? 'Cause you

don't see many...

Joel's friend grabs his wrist as he reaches for the Roll-Up.

JASE

(continues)

...oh, okay. Yeah, Alright.

His wrist is released as he withdraws his hand.

JOEL

Are you lost?

JASE

No, actually, I just came by to chat.

JOEL

We don't chat.

JASE

Well, actually, I thought that I'd run an

idea by you. Just to see if you're interested.

JOEL

I'm not.

JASE

Well, hear me out. Now...

Joel grabs Jase by the side of the head and proceeds to

draw a penis on his cheek with the magic marker. Jase

suffers the indignity and speaks undaunted.

JASE

(continues)

...you want Roxy, right?

But she can't go out with you because

her sister is this insane head case and

no one will go out with her, right?

JOEL

Does this conversation have a purpose?

JASE

What I think you need to do is, you need to hire

a guy who'll go out with her. Someone who

doesn't scare so easy.

Jase points to Jack, who sits with Scurvy. Jack spits

a stone from a piece of fruit at his tray.

JOEL

That guy? I heard he ate a live duck once.

JASE

Everything but the beak and the feet.

Clearly he's a solid investment.

Joel turns to look at Jase.

JOEL

What's in it for you?

JASE

Hey. I'm walkin' down the hall and say hello

to you. You say hello to me.

JOEL

Yeah yeah. I get it. You're cool by association.

I'll think about it.

Jase looks pleased and bobs his head as if grooving to music.

JOEL

(continuing)

We're done now.

JASE

Yeah.

He gets up and walks to the back of the room where Sean waits

anxiously.

SEAN

(upset)

What are you doing getting him involved?

JASE

Relax now, relax. We let him pretend he's

calling the shots. While he's setting things

up, you have time with Roxy.

SEAN

That is a good idea.

Sean leaves.

EXT. A HILL OVERLOOKING THE STADIUM - DAY

Bogie Levenstein has gathered his club of future yuppies for

a golf lesson.

BOGIE

Now remember guys. Grip it, and rip it.

He hits the golf ball down into the stadium field, where it is

collected by a kid holding a basket of balls.

The field is filled with students exercising. The women's soccer

team is practicing.

Joel makes his way toward Jack, who is sitting with Scurvy and

smoking.

JOEL

Hey, how ya doin'?

Jack ignores him completely.

JOEL

(tries to break the ice)

I had some great duck last night...

JACK

Do I know you?

JOEL

See that girl?

He turns to see Ronnie playing soccer on the field.

JACK

Yeah.

JOEL

That's Ronnie Mitchell. I want you to go

out with her.

JACK

(sarcastic)

Yeah sure, Sparky.

He and Scurvy laugh at the idea.

JOEL

Look. I can't take out her sister until Ronnie

starts dating. You see, their dad's whacked

out. He's got this rule where the girls...

JACK

That's a touching story. It really is.

Not my problem.

JOEL

Would you be willing to make it your problem

if I provide generous compensation?

JACK

You're going to pay me to take out some chick?

JOEL

(pleased)

Mmm hmm.

JACK

How much?

JOEL

Twenty bucks.

Jack turns to have another look at Ronnie. She violently body checks

another girl and knocks her down.

JOEL

(continuing)

Fine. 30.

JACK

Well let's think about this. We go to the movies.

That's, uh, 15 bucks. We get popcorn. That's, uh,

53. And, uh, she'll want Raisonettes, right? So,

uh, we're lookin' at 75 bucks.

JOEL

This ain't a negotiation. Take it or leave it,

trailer park.

JACK

50 bucks and we've got a deal, Fabio.

Joel hands him 50 dollars.

EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY

Ronnie and the rest of the team complete their practice

session. MR. CHAPIN, the coach, calls the girls in over his

megaphone.

MR. CHAPIN

Great practice, everybody.

Jack snuffs out a cigarette and approaches Ronnie.

JACK

Hey there, girlie. How ya doin'?

RONNIE

Sweating like a pig, actually. And

yourself?

JACK

Now there's a way to get a guy's attention, huh?

RONNIE

My mission in life.

She stands there undaunted, hand on hip.

RONNIE

(continuing)

But obviously I've struck your fancy. So,

you see, it worked. The world makes

sense again.

She walks away. He follows.

JACK

Pick you up Friday, then

RONNIE

Oh, right. Friday. Uh huh.

JACK

The night I take you to places you've

never been before.

RONNIE

Like where? The 7-Eleven on Broadway?

Do you even know my name, screwboy?

JACK

I know a lot more than you think.

RONNIE

Doubtful. Very doubtful.

She walks away quickly, leaving him standing alone.

ACROSS THE FIELD Sean and Jase watch.

SEAN

We are screwed.

JASE

Hey, no, hey. I don't want to hear that defeatist

attitude. I want to hear you upbeat.

SEAN

We are screwed!

JASE

There you go.

As they watch, the coach gets hit with a golf ball and falls to the

ground. We cut back to Bogie and his group of MBA nerds.

MBA KID

Run Bogie!

Bogie is motionless, a super-cheese smile glued to his face.

INT. STRATFORD HOUSE/BATHROOM - NIGHT

Ronnie washes her face at the sink. Roxy enters behind her.

ROXY

Have you ever considered a new look? I

mean, seriously, you could have some

definite potential buried under all this

hostility.

RONNIE

I'm not hostile. I'm annoyed.

ROXY

Why don't you try being nice? People wouldn't know

what to think.

RONNIE

You forget. I don't care what people think.

ROXY

Yes you do.

RONNIE

No I don't. You don't always have to be who they want

you to be, you know.

ROXY

I happen to like being adored, thank you.

RONNIE

Where'd you get the pearls?

ROXY

They're mom's

RONNIE

(upset)

And you've been what? Hiding them for 3 years?

ROXY

No. Daddy found them in a drawer last week.

RONNIE

So you're just gonna start wearing them now?

ROXY

It's not like she's coming back to claim them.

And besides, they look good on me.

RONNIE

Trust me. They don't.

EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY

Ronnie emerges from a store. Jack is waiting for her,

leaning casually against her front fender.

JACK

Nice ride. Vintage fenders.

RONNIE

Are you following me?

JACK

I was in the laundromat. I saw your

car. I came over to say hi.

RONNIE

Hi.

She moves to open the door, but he slides over and blocks her way.

JACK

Not a big talker, huh?

RONNIE

Depends on the topic. My fenders don't

really whip me into a verbal frenzy.

JACK

(seems genuinely intrigued by her resistance)

You're not afraid of me, are you?

RONNIE

Afraid of you? Why would I be afraid of you?

JACK

Well, most people are.

RONNIE

Well, I'm not.

JACK

Well, maybe you're not afraid of me. But I'm

sure you've thought about me naked, huh?

He gives her a knowing wink.

RONNIE

(sarcastic)

Am I that transparent? I want you, I need you,

Oh baby, oh baby.

She opens the door and forces him out of the way.

She starts to pull out and is blocked by Joel's sports car,

which pulls up perpendicular to her rear and parks.

Joel emerges and heads for the stores.

RONNIE

What is it? Asshole day?

(to Joel)

Hey! Do you mind?

JOEL

Not at all.

He continues on into the store. Ronnie stares at him in

disbelief... then backs up fast.

Her vintage fenders crash into the door of Joel's precious

ego-mobile.

Jack watches with a delighted grin as Joel races back to

his car.

JOEL

You bitch!

Ronnie watches with an innocent look of surprise.

RONNIE

(sarcastic)

Whoops.

INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - NIGHT

Archie paces as Ronnie sits calmly on the couch.

ARCHIE

Whoops?! My insurance does not cover PMS.

RONNIE

Well, then tell them I had a seizure.

ARCHIE

Is this about Sarah Lawrence? Are you

punishing me because I want you to stay close to home?

RONNIE

Aren't you punishing me because mom left?

ARCHIE

You think you could leave her out of this?

RONNIE

Fine. Then stop making my decisions for me.

ARCHIE

I'm your father. That's my right.

RONNIE

So what I want doesn't matter?

ARCHIE

You're eighteen. You don't know what

you want. And you won't know what you want until you're

forty-five. And if you get it, you'll be too old to use it.

RONNIE

I want to go to an East Coast school! I

want you to trust me to make my own

choices. And I want you to stop trying to control

my life just because you can't control yours.

ARCHIE

Oh yeah? Well you know what I want...

Archie's BEEPER goes off.

ARCHIE

(continuing)

We'll continue this later.

RONNIE

Can't wait.

She heads out of the room and is intercepted by Roxy, who's

just off the phone.

ROXY

(angry)

Did you just maim Joel's car?

RONNIE

Yeah. Looks like you're gonna have to take the bus.

ROXY

Has the fact that you're completely psycho

managed to escape your attention?

Ronnie walks away.

ROXY

Daddy!

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Jack shuts his locker revealing

Joel's angry visage, glowering next to him.

JOEL

When I shell out fifty, I expect

results.

JACK

Yeah, I'm on it.

JOEL

Watching the bitch violate my car doesn't

count as a date.

JOEL

If you don't get any, I don't get any.

Let's go get some.

Joel starts to walk off

JACK

I just upped my price

JOEL

(turning)

What?

JACK

A hundred bucks a date. In advance.

JOEL

Forget it.

JACK

Forget her sister, then.

Joel thinks for a frustrated moment, then peels another

fifty out of his wallet.

JOEL

You better hope you're as smooth as you

think you are, Verona.

Jack takes the money with a smile.

INT. SHOP CLASS - DAY

Jase and Sean enter the class. Scurvy brushes by them.

SEAN

Go.

JASE

No, you go.

SEAN

I went before.

Sean makes his way to where Jack is working at the buffer.

SEAN

(to Jack)

We know what you're trying to do,

with Ronnie Mitchell.

JACK

Is that right? And what do you plan

to do about it?

SEAN

Help you out.

JACK

Why's that?

JASE

The situation is, my man Sean here

has a major jones for Roxy Mitchell.

JACK

What is it with this chick? She have

beer flavored nipples?

SEAN

Hey!

JASE

I think I speak correctly when I say

that Sean's love is pure. Purer than

say -- Joel Johnston's.

JACK

Look. I'm in on this for the cash.

Johnston can plow whoever he wants.

SEAN

Okay. There will be no plowing!

JASE

Jack, uh, Pat. Let me explain something

to you here. We set this whole thing up so

Sean can get the girl. Sean. Joel's just a pawn.

JACK

So you two are gonna help me tame the wild

beast?

JASE

(grinning)

We'll do some research. We'll find out what she

likes. We are your guys.

SEAN

And he means that in a strictly non-

prison-movie type of way.

JASE

Let's start here. Now, Friday night.

Bogie Levenstein is having a party. It's the

perfect opportunity.

JACK

Opportunity for what?

JASE

For you to take out Ronnie.

JACK

I'll think about it.

He walks away, leaving Jase and Sean grinning at each other.

JASE

(continuing)

And for a little payback. This is gonna be some party.

Close-Up on a party invitation Jase holds up. It advertises

a "wine and cheese" party. Transition. The words "wine and cheese"

are replaced by "free beer". "Don't call" and "just show up" are

printed at the bottom next to Bogie's address in Seattle.

JASE

Let's do this.

Slow motion shot of them dumping a pile of fliers down the school

stairwell. Students' hands reach out and grab them as they fall.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Joel stands at his open locker with Roxy.

JOEL

Okay now, this is important.

Which do you like better?

He holds up two identical glamour model photos. In one, he's

wearing a white shirt. In the other, he's in a black shirt.

ROXY

Um, I think I like the white shirt better.

Joel nods thoughtfully.

JOEL

Yeah. It's more...

ROXY

Pensive?

JOEL

Damn. I was going for thoughtful.

So, you going to Bogey Lowenbrau's

thing on Friday night?

ROXY

Yeah. I might.

He gives her his best flirtatious smile

JOEL

Good, 'cause, you know, I'm not gonna bother if

you won't be there.

The class bell rings.

JOEL

See you there.

ROXY

Okay.

JOEL

Bye.

She walks away. He turns to a mirror hanging in his locker

and winks at himself, then unhappily adjusts an out-of-place hair.

EXT. UNDER A BRIDGE - DAY

Roxy and Sean are on a nice walk together. No one else is around.

SEAN

So have you heard about Bogey Lowenstein's

party?

ROXY

(pouting)

Yes. And I really, really, really wanna go, but

I can't. Not unless my sister goes.

SEAN

Yeah I know. I'm workin' on that. But so far she's

not goin' for my guy.

He fishes for information.

SEAN

(continuing)

She's not a...

ROXY

KD Lang fan? No. I found a picture of

Jared Leto in her drawer once, so I'm

pretty sure she's not harboring same-sex

tendencies.

SEAN

Okay. So that's the kind of guy she likes?

Pretty guys?

ROXY

I don't know. All I've ever heard her say

is that she'd die before dating a guy

that smokes.

SEAN

Okay. All right. What else?

ROXY

You're asking me to investigate the inner workings

of my sister's twisted mind? I don't think so.

SEAN

Well nothing else has worked. I mean, we need to

go behind enemy lines here.

INT. RONNIE'S BEDROOM - DAY

Roxy rifles through Ronnie's drawers while Sean watches with

notable interest.

ROXY

Okay, here we go.

As she names off pertinent discoveries, she hands them to Sean.

ROXY

(continuing)

Class schedule, reading list, date book,

coffee tickets, um, concert tickets.

Ah ha! Black panties!

SEAN

What does that tell us?

ROXY

She wants to have sex some day, that's what.

SEAN

(flustered by this intimate detail)

She could just like the color...

ROXY

You don't buy black lingerie unless you want

someone to see it.

SEAN

(perhaps encouraged by this development)

Oh. So, uh, can I see your room?

ROXY

No. A girl's room is very personal.

SEAN

Oh.

EXT. BIKER BAR - NIGHT

Jase and Sean arrive on Jase's dumpy motorbike and

park next to a hard-looking cat on a heavy bike.

BIKER

Nice bike.

JASE

Yeah? You think so?

The biker roars off without answering.

INT. BIKER BAR - NIGHT

Jase and Sean make their way through the surly denizens

of the saloon, who watch them in wonder.

SEAN

Wow. Is this what a bar looks like?

JASE

Don't touch anything. You may get hepatitis.

They head toward Jack, who plays pool by himself. As they

pass another table, Jase picks up the eight ball, ruining the

game-winning shot a tough guy is making, and tosses it back onto

the table without realizing what he's done.

JACK

So what've you got for me?

SEAN

A little insight into a very complicated girl.

JASE

(to Jack)

Just one question before we start: should you be

drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?

JACK

What?!

JASE

Nothing. Nothing.

SEAN

First thing: Ronnie hates smokers

Sean plucks the cigarette out of Jack's fingers and drops

it on the floor. Jack isn't pleased.

JACK

You're telling me I'm a -

(spits the word out)

"non-smoker"?

JASE

Yeah. But just for now.

SEAN

And there's another problem. Roxy said that

Ronnie likes -- pretty guys.

This is met with silence. Then:

JACK

Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy?

JASE

He's very pretty! He's a gorgeous guy.

SEAN

I wasn't sure. I didn't know.

Sean pulls out a list of information.

SEAN

(continuing)

Alright. Okay -- Likes: Thai food, feminist

prose, and "angry, girl music of

the indie-rock persuasion". Here's a list of

CDs that she has in her room.

JACK

So I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a

book and sit around listening to chicks

who can't play their instruments, right?

JASE

Have you ever been to Club Skunk?

SEAN

Her favorite band is playing there tomorrow

night.

JACK

I can't be seen at Club Skunk, alright?

SEAN

But she'll be there. She's got tickets.

JASE

Just assail your ears for one night.

SEAN

She has a pair of black underwear, if that helps.

JASE

(with a wink-wink-nudge-nudge voice)

Couldn't hurt, right?

INT. CLUB SKUNK - NIGHT

Jack walks down the hallway toward the stage and is eyed

suspiciously by various girls in the hall. He enters, searches

the crowd, and finds Ronnie dancing with Dawn. He sits at the bar.

BARTENDER

Verona! What are you doing here tonight?

Ronnie stops dancing and shouts at her friends.

RONNIE

I need agua!

She heads for the bar.

RONNIE

(to the bartender)

Two waters.

She spots Jack ignoring her and looks disgusted.

RONNIE

(to Jack)

If you're planning on asking me out again, you

might as well just get it over with.

JACK

(pretending to be absorbed by the music)

Would you mind? You're kind of ruining this for me.

RONNIE

You're not surrounded by your usual cloud of smoke.

JACK

I know. I quit. Apparently they're bad for you.

RONNIE

(too surprised to be sarcastic)

You did?

JACK

You know, these guys are no Bikini Kill or Raincoats,

but they're not bad.

He stands and heads into the crowd. Stunned for a moment, Ronnie

rushes after him.

RONNIE

You know who the Raincoats are?

JACK

Why? Don't you? I was watching you out there before...

The song ends and there is a moment of silence in the club as he

continues to use his loud-club-volume voice.

JACK

(continuing)

I've never seen you look so sexy.

The crowd hears him clearly and laughs. He grins with embarrassment.

JACK

(continuing)

Come to Bogie's party with me.

RONNIE

You never give up, do you?

She begins to walk away through the crowd.

JACK

Was that a yes?

RONNIE

(shouting over her shoulder)

No.

JACK

Well, was that a no?

RONNIE

No.

JACK

(shouting after her)

I'll see you at 9:30 then.

INT. STRATFORD LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Roxy and Christian are dolled-up in party clothes and are

attempting to sneak down the stairs and out the door.

Archie is reading the paper, facing the opposite direction.

ARCHIE

You should have used the window.

She pretends everything is normal.

ROXY

Hi Daddy.

ARCHIE

Hi. Where are we going?

ROXY

Well, if you must know, a small study

group of friends.

ARCHIE

Otherwise known as an orgy?

CHRISTIAN

Mr. Stratford, it's just a party.

ARCHIE

And Hell is just a sauna.

Ronnie comes walking down the stairs, oblivious of what's going on.

Archie directs his attention toward Ronnie.

ARCHIE

You know about any party?

Ronnie shrugs and shakes her head.

ROXY

People expect me to be there!

ARCHIE

If Ronnie's not going, you're not going.

Roxy turns to Ronnie.

ROXY

Why can't you be normal?

RONNIE

Define normal.

ROXY

Bogey Lowenstein's party is normal.

ARCHIE

What's a Bogey Lowenstein?

RONNIE

Bogie's party is just a lame excuse for all the

idiots at our school to drink beer and rub up

against each other in hopes of distracting

themselves from the pathetic emptiness of their...

Christian and Roxy are familiar with this old rant and chime in

to finish her sentence for her.

ROXY/CHRISTIAN

...meaningless, consumer-driven lives.

Ronnie stops short. Surprised she's become so predictable.

ROXY

Can you, for just one night, forget that you're

completely wretched and be my sister? Please?

Please?! C'mon, Ronnie, please do this for me.

She's very sincere. Ronnie is swayed.

RONNIE

Fine. I'll make an appearance.

Roxy and Christian look at each other, thrilled, and burst

into gleeful screams, hugging Ronnie from either side.

ARCHIE

It's starting.

ROXY

It's just a party. Daddy.

Archie looks dazed.

ARCHIE

I want you to wear the belly.

ROXY

Daddy, no!

ARCHIE

Not all night. Just around the living room

for a minute so you can understand the full

weight of your decisions.

He rushes to a cupboard and pulls out a padded faux-

pregnancy jacket. Roxy limply holds out her arms in defeat.

He hangs it on her.

ROXY

I am perfectly aware...

ARCHIE

Listen to me. Every time you even think about

kissing a boy, I want you to picture wearing

this under your halter top.

ROXY

You are so completely unbalanced.

ARCHIE

Uh huh.

RONNIE

We're going now.

ARCHIE

(to Ronnie)

Alright, wait a minute. No drinking. No drugs. No kissing.

No tattoos. No piercings. No ritual animal slaughter of

any kind.

(to himself)

Oh god, I'm giving them ideas...

Ronnie opens the door, and there stands Jack.

RONNIE

What are you doing here?

JACK

Nine-thirty right?

Ronnie's in shock

JACK

(continuing)

I'm early.

RONNIE

Whatever. I'm driving.

He peeks in behind her.

JACK

Who knocked up your sister?

INT. JASE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Sean and Jase are preparing to go to the party. Jase

employs a variety of questionable beautification techniques.

SEAN

So, then Roxy says that I was right. That

she didn't wear the Kenneth Coles with that

dress because she thought it was

mixing genres. Right? And the fact

that I noticed -- and this is a direct quote -

"really meant something."

Sean looks At Jase expectantly

JASE

You told me that part already.

SEAN

I've been thinking about it all the time...

JASE

Stop being so self-involved for one minute.

How do I look?

SEAN

You look like my great uncle, Milton.

JASE

You think I should lose the tie?

SEAN

(obviously)

Yeah.

JASE

Maybe you're right.

(very flustered and nervous)

I'm just so nervous. You know? And I'm also very

excited. I'm nervous and I'm excited. It's all

very mixed up. I don't know...

SEAN

Okay, alright. Just calm down. Alright.

JASE

The last party I went to was at Chuck-E-Cheeze. You

wanna talk about some fun?

(he snorts happily)

That's a good time.

EXT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

A huge pack of party-goers, carrying kegs and ready to have some

fun, charge through the night like hungry wolves, descending on

Bogey's well-lit, upscale, suburban home.

INT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

BOGEY, the leader of the Future MBA's, plays the host to some stiff-looking

kids arranged on some flowery sofas in a very expensive-looking den.

He hands out cigars proudly.

BOGEY

Now remember guys. Don't touch anything.

He spots one of his guests fondling a crystal vase and seizes it.

BOGEY

(continuing)

Oh...what did I tell you?

He puts it back where it came from as the doorbell rings. He

lights up and heads for the door.

BOGEY

That must be Nigel with the Brie.

Before he gets to the door, the room is stampeded with partiers.

Within second the house is filled to capacity. A DJ is suddenly

spinning and booze is everywhere.

INT. UPSTAIRS BALCONY, BOGIE'S - NIGHT

Jase drifts through an archway with a beer in his hand and

bee-lines for a busty blonde.

JASE

(to girl)

You know, I'm thinking about getting a Tercel.

Yeah, that's a Toyota.

She winces and she and her friend start to walk away.

JASE

(shouting after her)

It has dual-side airbags and a spacious back seat.

Across the way, Ronnie and Jack come up the stairs to the

balcony. Jack encounters a very drunk and happy girl.

DRUNK GIRL

(to Jack)

Kiss me!

She embraces him and he turns her around and nudges her into

the arms of a lonely guy on a chair.

JACK

Kiss him.

She immediately falls upon the lucky guy's lips. He manages

to tear himself away for a moment as Jack passes.

LUCKY GUY

(to Jack)

Hey, thanks man!

In doing so, he forgets about the girl and drops her on the ground.

Meanwhile, Ronnie has made her way into the next room, where she is

met by Joel.

JOEL

Sweet! Lookin' fresh tonight, Pussy-Ronnie.

Ronnie gives him a dark look and then stops and points at his

forehead.

RONNIE

Wait -- was that?-- Did your hairline

just recede?

He's flustered for a moment. When he recovers she's already walking away.

JOEL

Hey, where ya goin?

RONNIE

Away.

JOEL

Your sister here?

RONNIE

Stay away from my sister.

JOEL

(smirking)

Oh I'll stay away from your sister. But

I can't guarantee she'll stay away from me.

A ruckus sounds from the next room and a jock jumps in next to them.

JOCK

Fight!

JOEL

Ooo! Fight!

He and the Jock run off to watch. Two guys are slugging it out in the den.

Bogie watches in horror.

BOGIE

You guys, please! Take it outside!

They wrestle and crash through the bay window onto the grass outside.

BOGIE

Thank you.

Ronnie pushes through the gathered crowd to get away and encounters Joel

with Roxy on his arm.

JOEL

Hey Ronnie. Look who found me.

Joel and Roxy walk away. She ignores Ronnie.

RONNIE

Roxy, wait!

ROXY

(annoyed)

Please don't address me in public.

RONNIE

No wait. There's something I need to tell you.

ROXY

Look. I am busy enjoying my adolescence, so

scamper off and do the same.

JOEL

(loving this)

Bye bye.

They leave a dejected Ronnie behind. A guy with a tray of shots

sidles up next to Ronnie.

SHOTS GUY

Want one?

Jack appears behind her as she snatches a shot and downs it with

a grimace of intense discomfort.

JACK

What's this?

SHOTS GUY

Right on, sister!

JACK

(to Ronnie)

I've been looking all over the place for you.

RONNIE

(mocking)

"I'm getting trashed, man." Isn't that

what you're supposed to do at a party?

JACK

I dunno. I say, do what you wanna do.

RONNIE

Funny, you're the only one. Later.

She pushes away into the crowd.

INT. BOGEY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jase spots another pair of girls and tries his luck again.

He does a weak impression of an Irish jig.

JASE

Lord of the Dance. Hi Heather.

HEATHER

Bite me.

She walks away.

JASE

(undaunted and still quite cheery)

Should have kept the tie.

Sean comes up behind him.

SEAN

Hey. Have you seen her around anywhere?

Jase spots Roxy and Christian coming down the stairs

and points Sean in her direction.

JASE

Relax. Relax. I'm telling you,

follow the love, man.

Sean walks over to the girls.

SEAN

Hi Roxy.

ROXY

Oh, hi Sean.

ROXY

Um, you know Christian?

A bit uncomfortable, she pushes Christian between them.

SEAN

(to Christian)

Yeah. I think we have art together, right?

CHRISTIAN

(not amused)

Great.

SEAN

(to Roxy)

So, uh, you really look amazing.

Christian shows pitiable disdain at his obvious pass.

ROXY

(uncomfortable)

Thanks.

Joel comes down the stairs and has overheard Sean's

compliment. Christian looks him up and down approvingly.

JOEL

We all know I look amazing.

The girls both giggle.

JOEL

Roxy, let's go. We're all congregating

around Mr. Cuervo.

ROXY

(to Sean)

Um, I'll see you around, okay?

Joel and the girls walk away as Sean stares in disbelief.

Joel looks back just long enough to flash him a thumb's up.

Sean is crushed.

INT. A ROOM, BOGEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Roxy walks next to Joel as he blathers about modeling.

JOEL

So I've got the Sears catalog

thing going -- and the tube sock gig.

That is gonna be huge!

He pauses as someone screams and falls off the roof outside

the window.

JOEL

(continuing)

And I'm up for a hemorrhoid cream ad next week.

Roxy looks truly offended.

JOEL

(continuing)

I know it sounds kind of bogus, but...I get getta

do some acting.

He pauses again, this time to place his empty can of Budweiser

atop a large beer-can pyramid. He then strikes a pose. Roxy

isn't watching.

JOEL

You see what I did there?

ROXY

Um... uh huh.

JOEL

That was underwear. I'll show you the bathing suit

one next.

It's exactly the same.

JOEL

(continuing)

You see the difference?

She turns away looking disgusted again. He notices her lack of

interest and takes it in stride, turning immediately to someone

behind him.

JOEL

(to other person)

Okay, I'll show you.

Roxy uses the opportunity to slip away.

INT. BOGEY'S DEN - NIGHT

A cowboy sits with another kid chewing tobacco. He unloads a mouthful

of it into a nice crystal vase. Bogie takes the vase from them and

moans woefully.

Roxy passes, searching the crowd, and spots Joel through an archway

striking poses for a crowd. She turns away and faces Sean, who is

obviously not happy with the evening's turn of events.

Roxy decided to avoid the inevitable conflict and pulls Christian in

the opposite direction.

ROXY

(to Christian)

Is it just me, or does this party all of a

sudden suck?

They walk away. Sean looks sour.

INT. BOGEY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Jack is searching for Ronnie. He passes the Drunk Girl and Lucky

Guy from earlier, and the guy grabs his shirt.

LUCKY GUY

Really. Really! Thank you!

Jack gives him a pat on the shoulder and moves on. He spots Ronnie,

who is already very drunk, standing with a fresh shot in her hand.

Jack tries to remove a shot glass from Ronnie's hand.

JACK

Hey hey hey! Why don't you let me have this one, huh?

Ronnie is fierce in her refusal and pulls the shot away.

RONNIE

No! This one's mine.

She rushes off.

Joel enters, grabbing Jack by the shoulder, distracting

him from following Ronnie.

JOEL

My man! How did you get her to do it?

JACK

Do what?

JOEL

Act like a human.

They both notice Ronnie has climbed up on a table in the next

room and is dancing. Joel is very pleased and rushes to watch.

JOEL

Yeah! Alright!

Others form a crowd, clapping and cheering her on. Roxy

sees her from the balcony and rushes off. Ronnie completes her

dance by falling off the table. Jack catches her.

JACK

Are you okay?

RONNIE

I'm fine.

She tries to sit up, but falls back again.

JACK

You're not fine. C'mon.

He helps her to walk away from the table and down the hall.

RONNIE

I just need to lie down somewhere.

JACK

Uh, uh. You lie down and you'll go to

sleep

RONNIE

Sleep is good.

JACK

Yeah. Not if you have a concussion.

EXT. BOGIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

A few partygoers stand around as Jack guides her toward a

stone bench.

JACK

C'mon. Here, sit down. Sit.

As Jack sits Ronnie down, Sean comes up next to him.

SEAN

(to Jack)

Hey, hey. We need to talk.

JACK

I'm a little busy right now.

SEAN

Can you give me a second?

Jack steps aside with him.

SEAN

(continuing)

It's off, okay? The whole thing's off.

JACK

What're you talking about?

SEAN

She never wanted me. She wanted Joel the

whole time.

Jack doesn't have time for this.

JACK

Sean -- do you like the girl?

SEAN

Yeah.

JACK

(impatient)

Yeah. And is she worth all this trouble?

SEAN

Well, I thought she was. But, you know, I...

JACK

Well she is or she isn't. See, first of all, Joel

is not half the man you are. Secondly, don't let

anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve

what you want. Go for it!

Ronnie begins to fall off the bench and Jack catches her again.

He stands her up and they walk away.

JACK

(to Ronnie)

C'mon.

Jack continues walking an oblivious Ronnie away from the party.

Sean stands there, unsure how to make use of this advice.

EXT. THE STREET OUTSIDE BOGIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Jack marches Ronnie down the street, holding her up. They head

up a hill.

RONNIE

(annoyed at being held up)

You're so patronizing.

JACK

Leave it to you to use big words when

you're smashed.

She pushes his arm off and tries to walk on her own.

RONNIE

I don't think so.

She falls down and stands back up again.

JACK

Okay...

RONNIE

Why are you doing this?

JACK

I told you. You may have a concussion.

RONNIE

You don't care if I never wake up.

JACK

(he grins)

Sure, I do.

RONNIE

Why?

They reach a set of two swings hedged by ivy and stop.

JACK

Well then, because then I'd have to start taking

out girls who actually like me.

RONNIE

Like you could find one.

JACK

See that, there? Who needs affection when

I have blind hatred?

RONNIE

Let me sit down for a while.

She walks over to the swings and plops down,

moving her hands to hang onto the ropes.

She sits and looks at him for a moment with a smile. Then

falls over backward, just in time to be caught--again.

JACK

Jesus.

Jack sits on the other swing.

JACK

(continuing)

So why'd you let him get to you?

RONNIE

Who?

JACK

Joel.

RONNIE

I hate him.

JACK

Well, you've chosen the perfect revenge:

mainlining tequila.

They both laugh.

RONNIE

Well, you know what they say...

He stops the swing

JACK

No. What do they say?

Ronnie is asleep, her head resting against the swing's rope. He's

concerned about her falling asleep with a possible concussion.

JACK

(continuing)

No no no no! Ronnie! C'mon, wake up! Look at me!

Listen to me, Ronnie. Open your eyes!

He slaps her and she slowly opens her eyes.

RONNIE

(waking)

Hey. You're eyes have a little green in them.

He sighs with relief and smiles. They make meaningful eye

contact, and she then vomits at his feet.

EXT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S DRIVEWAY - NIGHT

Kids loiter outside. Roxy and Christian are waiting.

ROXY

I don't know if we should go...

Joel comes up to them.

JOEL

Hey. A bunch of us are going to Jaret's

house. Ready?

ROXY

Uh, I have to be home in twenty minutes.

CHRISTIAN

(eagerly, to Joel)

You know, I don't have to be home 'til two. So...

JOEL

(to Roxy)

One more chance...

ROXY

(not interested)

Oh, man. I can't. Damn.

CHRISTIAN

That's a shame.

(to Joel)

Well?

JOEL

(to Christian)

You wanna go?

CHRISTIAN

Sure.

ROXY

Christian!

CHRISTIAN

Hey, you passed.

Christian leaves with Joel.

ROXY

(to herself)

Bitch.

Sean exits the party and stops when he sees Roxy

standing alone.

SEAN

(slightly accusatory)

Hey. Have fun tonight?

ROXY

(unenthused)

Tons.

He starts to walk on.

ROXY

(continuing)

Sean?

He stops. She gives him a helpless smile.

ROXY

(continuing)

Do you think you could give me a ride home?

He stops, facing away from her. He looks very put-out.

INT. RONNIE'S CAR - NIGHT

Jack drives as Ronnie sits in the passenger seat. She listens

to the stereo.

RONNIE

I should do this.

JACK

Do what?

RONNIE

This.

She points to the radio.

JACK

Start a band?

RONNIE

(sarcastically)

No, install car stereos. Yeah, start a band.

My father would love that.

Jack pulls up to her house and stops the car.

JACK

You don't strike me as the type that

would ask your father's permission.

She turns to look at him.

RONNIE

Oh, so now you think you know me?

JACK

I'm gettin' there

Her voice loses it's venom

RONNIE

The only thing people know about me is

that I'm "scary".

JACK

Yeah, well, I'm no picnic myself.

They eye each other, sharing a moment of connection.

JACK

(avoiding the tension)

So what ' s up with your dad? Is he a

pain in the ass?

RONNIE

No. He just wants me to be someone I'm not.

JACK

Who?

RONNIE

Roxy.

JACK

Ah... Roxy. No offense or anything, I mean,

I know everyone digs you're sister. But, um...

She's without.

Ronnie stares at him with new admiration.

RONNIE

You know, you're not as vile as I

thought you were.

She leans drunkenly toward him.

Their faces grow closer as if they're about to kiss And then

Jack pulls away.

JACK

Maybe we should do this another time.

Ronnie stares at him, pissed. Then gets out of the car

and stomps off.

SEAN'S CAR - NIGHT

Roxy and Sean ride in silence.

He pulls up in front of her house and finally breaks it.

SEAN

You never wanted to go sailing with me,

did you?

ROXY

(lying to be nice)

Yes I did.

SEAN

No. You didn't.

ROXY

Well, okay. No. Not actually.

SEAN

(upset and disappointed)

Well, then that's all you had to say.

You always been this selfish?

ROXY thinks for a few seconds.

ROXY

(meekly)

Yes.

SEAN

You know, just because you're beautiful, doesn't

mean you can treat people like they don't matter.

I mean, I really like you. Okay? I defended you

when people called you conceited. I helped you

when you asked me to. I learned French for you!

And then you just blow me off...

She looks at him for a moment, then grabs his face and

gives him a kiss on the lips. He is stunned. She smiles, then

gets out of the car without another word.

Sean looks as though he's just been told he's inherited a

billion dollars as she turns, smiles, and walks away.

SEAN

(regaining his composure)

And I'm back in the game!

INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY

Ronnie enters the class. DEREK, a White Rasta, pokes fun at her for

dancing at the party the night before.

DEREK

Ronnie, me lady, you sway to the rhythm of

me heart.

CLEM, a cowboy, chimes in as she makes her way to her seat.

CLEM

Dance for me, cowgirl.

JOEL

Ronnie, babe, what do we owe you for the table dance?

MR. MORGAN

(to the class)

Allright, not that I care, but how was everybody's

weekend?

JOEL

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe we should ask Ronnie.

MR. MORGAN

Unless she kicked the crap out of your dumb butt,

I don't wanna hear about it. Okay, let's open up

our books to page 73, sonnet 141. And listen up:

He quotes from Shakespeare's sonnet with a modern rapper lilt.

MR. MORGAN

(reciting)

"In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes.

For they and thee a thousand errors note.

But 'tis my heart loves what they despise,

who in despite of view is pleas'd to dote."

(continuing as normal)

Now, I know Shakespeare's a dead white guy.

But he knows his shit, so we can overlook that.

I want you all to write your own

version of this Sonnet.

The class groans in disapproval.

Ronnie raises her hand. Mr. Morgan is unpleased. He's obviously

accustomed to her opposition.

MR. MORGAN

Yes, Miss I-have-an-opinion-about-everything?

RONNIE

Do you want this in iambic pentameter?

MR. MORGAN

You're not going to fight me on this?

RONNIE

No. I think it's a really good assignment.

MR. MORGAN

(laughs)

You're just messin' with me, aren't you?

RONNIE

No. I'm really looking forward to writing it.

MR. MORGAN

(thinks she's mocking him)

Get out of my class.

RONNIE

What?

MR. MORGAN

Out. Get out!

She looks confused, slowly rises and leaves.

JOEL

Thanks Mr. Morgan.

MR. MORGAN

Shut up.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Dawn is at her locker. Drawings of William Shakespeare

adorn the door. Jase walks up.

JASE

Hey. That's a cool picture. What's the collar for?

Is it to keep him from licking his stitches?

He laughs at his own joke, then notices her lack of amusement.

JASE

(continuing)

Kidding. No, because I know you're a fan of Shakespeare.

DAWN

More than a fan. We're involved.

JASE

Okay.

She continues to ignore him.

JASE

(quoting from Shakespeare)

"Who could refrain that had a heart to

love and in that heart..."

DAWN

(finishing the quote for him)

...courage to make love known?

Jase thinks for a minute.

JASE

Macbeth, right?

DAWN

(happily stunned)

Right.

JASE

So, listen... I have this friend...

EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY

Sean sits next to Jack on the bleachers as they watch

the girls practice.

SEAN

What'd you do to her?

JACK

I didn't do anything.

Would've been too drunk to remember.

SEAN

But the plan was working.

JACK

What do you care? I thought you wanted out.

SEAN

Yeah, well I did, but, uh, that was until she

kissed me.

JACK

(grins)

Where?

SEAN

In the car.

Jase is jogging up to them from across the jogging track. As he

crosses it, he is nearly run over by two joggers.

JASE

Sorry.

JOGGERS

Dweeb! Putz!

JASE

I'm Sorry!

He sits with Sean and Jack.

JASE

Alright. I talked to her. I got the scoop.

SEAN

What did she say?

JASE

Hates him with the fire of a

thousand suns. That's a direct quote.

JACK

Thanks, Malcolm. That's very comforting of you.

SEAN

We don't know. She could just need a day to cool

off.

A soccer ball flies past them from the field, narrowly missing their

heads. Ronnie stands menacingly glaring at them.

JACK

(continuing)

Maybe two.

INT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY

Ronnie and Dawn walk. Ronnie sees a prom flyer and tears it down as the

flier posting girl watches.

PROM POSTER GIRL

Hey!

Ronnie doesn't hear her and just keeps walking.

RONNIE

Can you imagine who would go to that antiquated

mating ritual?

DAWN

(raises her hand)

I would. But I don't have a date.

RONNIE

Do you really want to get all dressed up so

some Drakkar Noir-wearing Dexter with a boner

can feel you up while you're forced to listen

to a band that by definition sucks?

DAWN

Alright, alright. We won't go. It's not like

I've got a dress anyway.

RONNIE

You ' re looking at this from entirely the wrong

perspective. We're making a statement.

DAWN

(unconvinced and sarcastic)

Oh, goody. Something new and different

for us.

EXT. ARCHERY FIELD - DAY

Mr. Chapin instructs as boys and girls shoot arrows at targets.

Joel swaggers up to Roxy, who is taking careful aim.

JOEL

Hey there, Cupid.

ROXY

(not looking at him)

Hi, Joel.

JOEL

You're concentrating awfully hard

considering it's gym class.

She turns to look at him and releases the arrow at an angle. A cry

is heard off-camera. Roxy clearly isn't interested in talking to Joel.

ROXY

Can I help you?

JOEL

I want to talk to you about prom.

ROXY

Look, you know the deal. I can't go if Ronnie

doesn't go.

In the background, Mr. Chapin crumples to the ground with an arrow

sticking out of his rear end. Christian scurries over to help him.

JOEL

Your sister is going.

Roxy looks at him, surprised

ROXY

Since when?

JOEL

Oh, let's just say I'm taking care of it.

Joel takes an arrow and hands it to her as he walks away.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Joel hands 2 $100 bills to Jack.

JOEL

Here. This should take care of the flowers, the limo,

the tux, everything. Just make sure she gets to the prom.

Jack's conscience seems to be bothering him.

JACK

You know what? I'm sick of playing your little game.

He hands back the cash. Joel reaches into his pocket again and looks around.

JOEL

You sick of, let's say, 300?

Jack looks a bit tortured, but eventually takes the money.

INT. GUITAR STORE - DAY

Ronnie is playing a guitar with headphones on. Jack comes up behind her,

then decides to leave her alone.

INT. BOOK STORE - DAY

Jack scans the store for Ronnie, sees her, and follows her from the next

row of books. When the reach the end of the aisle, he confronts her.

JACK

Excuse me, have you seen The Feminine

Mystique? I've lost my copy.

RONNIE

(not pleased)

What are you doing here?

JACK

I heard there was a poetry reading.

RONNIE

You're so...

JACK

Charming?

She turns and begins to walk away.

JACK

(continuing)

Wholesome.

RONNIE

(turning back)

Unwelcome.

JACK

You're not as mean as you think you are, you know that?

RONNIE

And you're not as badass as you think you are.

JACK

Ooo, someone still has their panties in a twist.

RONNIE

Don't for one minute think that you had

any effect whatsoever on my panties.

JACK

Then what did I have an effect on ?

RONNIE

Other than my upchuck reflex? Nothing.

She heads for the door, handing him a copy of The Feminine Mystique as

she leaves.

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

Sean and Jase flank Jack as he piles food onto his tray.

JACK

You're right. She's still pissed.

JASE

Sweet love, renew thy force!

JACK

Hey, man! Don't say shit like that to me.

People can hear you.

SEAN

Look. You embarrassed the girl. Sacrifice

yourself on the altar of dignity and

even the score.

Jack scowls and walks away.

JASE

Listen. Don't say shit like that to him. People

can hear you.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Jack hands a wad of cash to a pudgy kid and smiles.

INT. FIELD ANNOUNCER'S BOOTH - DAY

A pair of hands are scanning the controls for the school stadium's audio

setup. One hand holds a cordless microphone, the other turns up the volume

on a switch labeled "Field Mic Announce".

EXT. THE BLEACHERS - DAY

Looking down on the field where the girls are practicing soccer, Jack

stands atop the bleachers with the microphone in his hand and begins to

sing an old love song to Ronnie.

He completes the first verse, as everyone watches, then gives a

signal to the pudgy kid he met in the hall earlier. The kid is the leader

of the school marching band, which then chimes in and begins playing the

music for the song. Ronnie is thrilled.

Jack continues singing and dancing around on the bleachers, until two

cops arrive. They grab him as the soccer team applauds his performance.

He breaks free and continues hamming about, spanks an officer's bum as he

passes, then runs away. Ronnie is obviously flattered.

INT. DETENTION HALL - DAY

Jack and several other miscreants sit quietly, mulling

over their misfortune as Mr. Chapin presides. Mr. Chapin tries to sit

on the edge of the desk, grimaces in pain from his arrow wound, and

someone in the classroom giggles.

MR. CHAPIN

(to a stoner kid)

You look pretty nervous.

STONER KID

Yes sir.

MR. CHAPIN

You're sweating like a pig.

STONER KID

Yes sir.

MR. CHAPIN

Your eyes are all...bloodshot.

STONER KID

Yes sir.

MR. CHAPIN

You've got pot, don't you?

Stoner Kid hands him a bag of weed.

MR. CHAPIN

I'm confiscating this.

He turns around and sees a bag of Cheetos on another kid's desk, which

he also takes, revealing possible future plans for his contraband...

MR. CHAPIN

This too.

Ronnie suddenly enters the room and approaches Mr. Chapin. Jack looks

up and sees her.

RONNIE

Um, sir? I have some ideas on how we can improve

the girl's soccer team.

MR. CHAPIN

Great! Let's talk about it later.

He turns away and she uses the opportunity to motion to Jack.

RONNIE

(whispering to Jack)

The window.

(he doesn't get it)

Window!

Mr. Chapin turns back around and she laughs.

RONNIE

(continuing to Mr. Chapin)

As you know, we have a really big game with Hillcrest High...

Jack runs for the side of the room as she distracts Mr. Chapin.

Mr. Chapin begins to turn, but she grabs his arm to stop him.

RONNIE

(gasps)

You're bicep is huge! Oh my god. The other

one's even bigger. You don't take steroids, do you?

Because I've heard steroids can severely disintegrate

your...package.

The classroom murmers, including an inexplicable older, balding guy in the

back row, who seems to be a badly cast extra.

RONNIE

(continuing)

That's not the point.

MR. CHAPIN

Let's hope not.

He hears Jack make a creaking noise and tries to turn. She stops him.

RONNIE

The point is, they kick our butts every year. I was

thinking. I devised a plan that will enable us to

finally defeat them.

MR. CHAPIN

Which is?

Jack is sneaking toward the window behind him, next to

a big sign that reads: "All's Quiet on the Western Front".

RONNIE

(continuing)

That thing you taught us.

MR. CHAPIN

What thing?

RONNIE

Misdirection.

MR. CHAPIN

I taught you that?

RONNIE

Yeah. You, or Siegfried, or Roy. Anyway,

that's not important. The...

He tries to turn again and she grabs his chin to stop him.

RONNIE

Think about it! Um, they're looking left, and

we're running right. Bang! We score. We win.

Ronnie starts to panic, as Jack has yet to make it out the window.

MR. CHAPIN

Okay. But how do we get 'em to look left?

RONNIE

(in desperation)

Um, like this.

She lifts her shirt just long enough for Jack to escape.

The miscreants cheer, for both the daring escape and the

flash of skin.

RONNIE

Okay. Well, now that you've seen...The Plan,

I'm gonna go and show The Plan to someone else. Okay.

She walks away as the classroom applauds.

EXT. IN THE BAY - DAY

Jack and Ronnie peddle a small, rented leisure boat. They are

laughing together.

JACK

I can't thank you enough for helping me sneak out of

detention. Very cool.

RONNIE

No problem.

JACK

I thought for sure I was busted when I was climbing

out that window, I tell ya. So how did you keep

him distracted?

RONNIE

I dazzled him with my... wits.

JACK

(after a pause)

So what's your excuse?

RONNIE

For?

JACK

Acting the way we do.

RONNIE

I don't like to do what people expect.

Why should I live up to other people's

expectations instead of my own?

JACK

So you disappoint them from the

start and then you're covered, right?

RONNIE

Something like that

JACK

Then you screwed up

RONNIE

How?

JACK

You never disappointed me.

JACK

(after a romantic pause)

Are you up for it?

RONNIE

Up for what?

He motions to the SIGN for a paint-ball game.

EXT. PAINTBALL PARK - DAY

They chase each other around and get covered in paint,

having a good time of it. Eventually, they end up

falling down and literally rolling in the hay, caught

in an embrace and a short bit of lip action before the

game continues.

EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY

Jack pulls up outside Ronnie's house and they get out. Paint still

streaks their hair.

JACK

No. None of that stuff is true.

RONNIE

State trooper?

JACK

Fallacy. Uh, dead guy in the parking lot?

RONNIE

Rumor. The duck?

JACK

Hearsay. Bobby Ridgeway's balls?

RONNIE

Fact. But he deserved it. He tried to grope me

in the lunch line.

JACK

Fair enough.

RONNIE

The accident?

JACK

It's real. I lived in Australia until I was 10.

RONNIE

With the Pygmies?

JACK

Close. With my mom.

RONNIE

Where were you last year?

I know the porn career's a lie.

JACK

Do you?

They pause for a moment, then laugh.

RONNIE

Tell me something true.

JACK

Something true? I hate peas.

RONNIE

No. Something real. Something no one

else knows.

JACK

(in-between kissing her neck)

Okay. You're sweet. And sexy. And

completely hot for me.

RONNIE

You're amazingly self-assured. Has

anyone ever told you that?

JACK

I tell myself that every day, actually.

He kisses her.

JACK

Go to the prom with me

RONNIE

Is that a request or a command?

JACK

C'mon, go with me.

RONNIE

No.

JACK

No? Why not?

RONNIE

No, I won't go with you

JACK

Why not?

RONNIE

Because I don't want to. It's a stupid

tradition.

JACK

C'mon. People won't expect you to go.

Ronnie turns to him, getting angry.

RONNIE

Why are you pushing this?

What's in it for you?

He plays the role of the guilty, accused husband, answering with

an accusatory question.

JACK

Oh, so I need to have a motive to want to be

with you?

RONNIE

You tell me.

JACK

You need therapy, you know that? Has anyone ever told

you that?

RONNIE

(suspicious and a little hurt)

Answer the question, Jack

JACK

(angry)

Nothing! There is nothing in it for me.

Just the pleasure of your company, okay?

He takes out a cigarette. She throws it away before she

storms off and SLAMS the door to the house.

INT. STUDY HALL - DAY

Sean and Roxy sit together at a table. She stares at him.

SEAN

(speaking in French)

May I offer you a parsnip?

ROXY

(in French)

No, you may not.

SEAN

(in French)

Where is my uncle's pencil?

ROXY

(in French, impatient)

I don't know. Perhaps it's up your ass?

SEAN

(flustered, in English)

Wait. Wait a minute. That, that's not on this page.

ROXY

(in French, angry)

Let me ask you a question, Sean. When

are you going to ask me out?

She gets up and storms off. Sean, perplexed at this development,

obviously didn't understand what she said. He flips through his

French book for an explanation and evidently finds one.

SEAN

(in French)

Shit.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Dawn opens her locker. Hanging inside is a beautiful period-style

green dress with a note. Dawn holds the dress up to read the note.

The note reads: "0 Fair One. Join me at the prom. I will be

waiting. Love, William S."

Dawn seems pleased.

EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE/PATIO - DAY

Archie does crunches on an abdominal machine. He is struggling

magnificently.

ARCHIE

(grunting)

Seven!

(He stops and catches his breath)

Good.

He stands up as Roxy enters.

ROXY

Daddy?

ARCHIE

Hi, honey.

ROXY

Um, I want to discuss tomorrow night. As you know,

it's the prom...

He has been using a stretchy arm workout device, and it suddenly

flies away off the balcony.

ARCHIE

The prom? Ronnie has a date?

ROXY

Well, no.

ARCHIE

Don't think you're fooling me for a second.

I know who you want to bend the rules for.

It's that hot rod Joel.

ROXY

What's a "hot rod"?

ARCHIE

It's a... If your sister's not going, you're not going.

End of story.

ROXY

Okay, let's review. Ronnie: not interested.

Me: dying to go.

ARCHIE

You know what happens at proms?

ROXY

Yes, daddy. We'll dance, we'll kiss, we'll

come home. It's not quite the crisis situation

you imagine.

ARCHIE

Kissing, huh? That's what you think

happens? Got news for you. Kissing isn't what keeps

me up to my elbows in placenta all day long.

ROXY

Can we for 2 seconds ignore the fact that you're

severely unhinged and discuss my need for a night

of teenage normalcy?

ARCHIE

What's normal? Those damn Dawson's River kids

sleeping in each other's beds and whatnot?

ROXY

Daddy, that is so not...

ARCHIE

Got news for ya. I'm down. I've got the 411.

And you are not going out and getting jiggy

with some boy. I don't care how dope his ride is.

She groans and leaves.

ARCHIE

(to himself)

My mama didn't raise no fool.

The stretchy arm device now comes flying back onto the patio and lands

in the hot tub.

ARCHIE

(shouting)

Thanks, Bill.

INT. ROXY'S ROOM - DAY

Roxy lies on her bed watching The Real World Seattle. A knock sounds.

ROXY

(annoyed)

Come in.

Ronnie enters.

RONNIE

(kindly)

Listen I know...

Roxy isn't listening. Ronnie turns off the TV.

RONNIE

(continuing)

Listen, I know you hate having to sit at

home because I'm not Susie High School.

ROXY

Like you care.

RONNIE

I do care. But I'm a firm believer in

doing something for your own reasons, and

not someone else's.

ROXY

Well, I wish I had that luxury. You know, I'm the only

sophomore that got asked to the prom and

I can't go, because you don't feel like it.

RONNIE

Joel never told you that we went out, did

he?

ROXY

(doesn't believe her)

Yeah, okay.

RONNIE

In 9th. For a month

ROXY

(can tell she's serious and is confused)

Why?

RONNIE

(self-mocking)

Because he was, like, such a babe.

ROXY

But you hate Joel

RONNIE

Now I do.

ROXY

So what happened?

Ronnie indicates with a nod and a raised eyebrow that they

went all the way.

ROXY

Oh! Please tell me you're joking.

RONNIE

Just once, right after mom left. Everyone was doing

it, so... I did it. Afterwards, I told him I

didn't want to anymore because I wasn't ready

and he got pissed and dumped me.

Roxy stares at her, dumbfounded

RONNIE

(continuing)

After that I swore I'd never do

anything just because "everyone else"

was doing it. And I haven't since.

With the exception of Bogey's party and my

stunning digestive pyrotechnics.

ROXY

(stunned)

How is it possible that I did not know about this?

RONNIE

I warned him that if he told anyone, the cheerleading

squad would find out how small his dick is.

ROXY

Okay. So why didn't you tell me?

RONNIE

I wanted to let you make up your own

mind about him.

ROXY

(angry)

Then why did you help Daddy hold me hostage?

Roxy stands up slowly

ROXY

(continuing)

It's not like I'm stupid enough to repeat your

mistakes.

RONNIE

I guess I thought I was protecting you.

ROXY

By not letting me experience anything for myself?

RONNIE

Not all experiences are good, Roxy.

You can't always trust the people you

want to.

ROXY

Well, I guess I'll never know, will I?

She rises and holds the door open for Ronnie, then slams it

behind her.

INT. RONNIE'S ROOM - DAY

Ronnie lies in bed, staring at the ceiling. She rolls over and

looks out the window. Roxy is looking pitiful in a tire swing.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Archie sits on the couch, transfixed by an ad for an aerosol product

that covers baldness.

ARCHIE

Interesting...

Ronnie descends the stairs in an elegant blue prom dress and heads for the door.

RONNIE

Bye, dad. I'm going to the prom.

ARCHIE

(without looking up, thinks she's joking)

Funny, sweetie.

Ronnie shuts the door behind her.

Roxy walks into the living room. She's wearing a prom

dress. Archie sees and immediately crosses to where she stands.

ARCHIE

What's that?

ROXY

A prom dress.

ARCHIE

I seem to be hearing that word a lot lately.

The doorbell rings and Roxy opens it. There stands

Sean in a tuxedo. He takes in Roxy's outfit.

ROXY

Hi.

SEAN

Wow. I, um... wow.

ROXY

Bye, daddy.

ARCHIE

Stop. Turn. Explain.

ROXY

Okay. Remember how you said I could date if Ronnie

dated? Well, she found this guy who's actually

kind of perfect for her. Which is actually kind

of perfect for me, because Sean asked me to go

to the prom, and I really really really wanna go.

And since Ronnie went, I guess I'm allowed to, based

on the aforementioned rule, and it's previous

stipulations, of course.

SEAN

(extends his hand to Archie)

Nice to meet you.

ROXY

(intercepting his hand)

Let's go.

They dash away down the walk.

ARCHIE

(shouting after them)

I know every cop in town, bucko!

(to himself)

This is not good.

INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT

A band that does not exactly suck by definition plays to a very

responsive crowd.

INT. PROM/BALCONY - NIGHT

Ronnie ascends the grand staircase and stops. Jack notices and

comes up behind her.

JACK

Wow.

RONNIE

You too.

He hands her a rose.

RONNIE

Where'd you get a tux at the last minute?

JACK

Oh, just something I had. You know, lying around.

RONNIE

Oh...

JACK

Where'd you get the dress?

RONNIE

Oh, just something I had. You know, lying around.

He smiles.

RONNIE

Listen. I'm really sorry that I

questioned your motives. I was wrong.

Jack sighs.

JACK

You're forgiven.

RONNIE

Okay. Ready for the prom?

JACK

Yes, ma'am.

INT. STRATFORD DOORWAY - NIGHT

Joel arrives in a tux and knocks on the door. Archie opens it.

JOEL

Hi, Mr. Stratford. I'm Joel.

I'm here to pick up Roxy.

Archie gives him an icy glare in silence and then slams the door

in his face without saying a word.

INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT

Jack and Ronnie enter.

Ronnie steps forward, looking around and spots Sean and

Roxy dancing cheek to cheek.

ACROSS THE ROOM

Dawn enters nervously, in the long Elizabethan gown,

hair piled on top of her head. She spots Ronnie and hurries

over, distressed.

DAWN

Have you seen him?

RONNIE

Who?

DAWN

William - he asked me to meet him here.

RONNIE

Oh, Dawn. Tell me you haven't

progressed to full-on hallucinations.

Jack looks toward the stage and nods. Dawn turns to look.

Jase - in Shakespearean-like attire bows in their direction.

Dawn beams.

Jase makes his way through the crowd over to her.

JASE

Milady.

DAWN

Good sir.

Jase kisses her hand in courtly manner.

INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - SHORTLY AFTER

Ronnie and Jack clap as the band finishes a song. A new

song begins and Ronnie recognizes it. It's by her favorite band.

RONNIE

Oh me god! It's...

JACK

I called in a favor.

Ronnie stares in honest appreciation as the lead singer of her favorite

band appears on stage and makes her way to the crowd to sing directly

to Ronnie. She turns back toward the stage and Jack kisses Ronnie. The

music plays.

INT. PROM/LADIES ROOM - NIGHT

Roxy is at the mirror. Christian emerges from a stall.

ROXY

(surprised)

What are you doing here?

Christian is aloof.

CHRISTIAN

Oh, I know you didn't think you were the only sophomore

at the prom? Joel just picked me up.

ROXY

Well congratulations. He's all yours.

Christian maintains her snooty tone.

CHRISTIAN

Very generous, princess.

And just so you know, Joel only liked you for

one reason. He even had a bet going with his

friends. He was gonna nail you tonight.

Roxy, very disturbed, runs away.

INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - IMMEDIATELY AFTER

Jack and Ronnie continue to slow dance in good spirits.

JACK

Milwaukee.

RONNIE

What?

JACK

That's where I was last year. I wasn't in

jail, I don't know Marilyn Manson, and I

didn't sleep with a Spice Girl--I don't think.

You see, my grandpa, he was ill, so

I spent most of the year on his

couch watching Wheel of Fortune and making

Spaghettios. End of story.

RONNIE

(laughs)

No way!

He's interrupted by Joel pulling him aside.

JOEL

(angry)

Hey! What's Roxy doing here with that

cheese dick? I didn't pay you to take out Ronnie

so that some little punk could snake me with Roxy.

Ronnie has heard everything. Jack looks at her pleadingly.

RONNIE

Nothing in it for you, huh?

She leaves. Jack follows.

ACROSS THE ROOM

Jase spots the altercation and dances Dawn over to

Sean and Roxy.

JASE

(to Sean)

The shit has hiteth the fan...eth.

Jase and Sean leave Dawn and Roxy and head for Joel.

ACROSS THE ROOM

Jase and Sean approach Joel quickly.

JASE

Joel, pal, compadre. Listen...

Joel pushes him roughly to the ground. Sean passes Joel to help

Jase.

JOEL

You messed with the wrong guy, and

now you're gonna pay. You, and

that little bitch.

Sean doesn't like the sound of that. He turns and faces Joel.

SEAN

Alright, that's enough! Okay?

You crossed the line.

Joel punches Sean in the face, knocking him to the ground.

JOEL

Oh come on! Get up, you little punk!

He turns around, just in time to catch one in the nose from a

very pissed off Roxy.

JOEL

Shit, Roxy! I'm shooting a nose spray ad tomorrow!

ROXY

That's for making my date bleed...

She belts him again.

ROXY

(continuing)

That's for my sister...

And again.

ROXY

(continuing)

And that's for me.

She pushes him onto the ground with Jase and Sean. She

and Dawn help their dates off the floor.

ROXY

(to Sean)

Are you okay?

SEAN

(smiling big)

Never been better.

She kisses him and they begin to dance. Everyone slow dances as

Joel groans on the floor and holds his crotch.

INT. HOTEL STAIRWAY- NIGHT

RONNIE heads for the stairs and Jack catches up to her as they reach

the top.

JACK

Would you give me a chance...

RONNIE

You were paid to take me out! By

the one person I truly hate. I knew this

was a set-up!

JACK

Ronnie, it wasn't like that, okay?

RONNIE

Really? What was it like? A down

payment now and then a bonus for sleeping

with me?

JACK

No, I didn't care about the money, okay?

I cared... I cared about you.

She turns to face him with a countenance of both sadness and anger.

RONNIE

You are so not who I thought you were.

In desperation, he grabs her and kisses her. After a second,

she jerks away and flees down the stairs and out of sight.

Roxy comes running from behind Jack, sees what has happened,

and stops. She seems guilty now for dragging Ronnie to the prom and

into this mess.

EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY

Ronnie is sitting on the balcony railing with a sketchbook in hand.

Roxy breezes in, bearing a cup of tea, and offers it to Ronnie.

ROXY

You want?

Ronnie takes the tea.

RONNIE

Thanks.

ROXY

So, you sure you don't want to go sailing

with us? It'll be fun.

RONNIE

No, I'm fine.

ROXY

Look. I don't know if I ever thanked you for going

last night, but it really meant a lot to me.

RONNIE

I'm glad.

Sean comes jogging up the steps to the balcony, looking very

chipper indeed. He notices the seriousness of the situation.

SEAN

(to Roxy, quietly)

Hey.

ROXY

(quietly)

Hey.

SEAN

You ready?

ROXY

Mm hmm.

SEAN

(to Ronnie)

See you later.

RONNIE

(waves)

Bye.

Roxy and Sean walk away from Ronnie.

SEAN

(to Roxy, quietly)

Is she okay?

ROXY

I hope so.

They leave and moments later Archie enters the balcony from the house.

ARCHIE

Where's your sister going?

RONNIE

(sarcastic, as usual)

She's meeting some bikers. Big

ones. Full of sperm.

ARCHIE

(not amused)

Funny. So tell me about this dance.

Was it.. hoppin'?

She smirks at his attempted use of hip, young lingo.

RONNIE

Parts of it.

ARCHIE

Which parts?

RONNIE

The part where Roxy beat the hell out

of some guy.

ARCHIE

Roxy did what?

RONNIE

What's the matter? Upset that I rubbed

off on her?

ARCHIE

No. Impressed.

Ronnie looks up, surprised at her father's approval.

ARCHIE

(continuing)

You know, fathers don't like to admit it

when their daughters are capable of

running their own lives. It means we've

become spectators. Roxy still lets me

play a few innings. You've had me on

the bench for years. And when you go to

Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to

watch the game.

RONNIE

(hopeful)

When I go?

ARCHIE

Oh, boy. Don't tell me you've

changed your mind. I already sent 'em a

check.

Ronnie, overjoyed, reaches over and gives him a hug.

ENGLISH CLASS - DAY

Mr. Morgan stands at a podium and faces the class with an open book

in front of him.

MR. MORGAN

All right. I assume everyone has found

time to complete their poem. Except for

Mr. Johnston...

He begins to laugh, very pleased. Joel sulks at his desk behind

a pair of sunglasses.

MR. MORGAN

...who has an excuse.

(to Joel)

Shaft, lose the glasses.

Joel reluctantly removes his shades to reveal severe damage. The

class snickers.

MR. MORGAN

(continuing)

Alright. Anyone brave enough to read theirs aloud?

No one moves. Then Ronnie slowly raises her hand.

RONNIE

I will.

Jack looks up.

MR. MORGAN

(anticipating the worst)

Lord. Here we go.

Ronnie stands and walks to face the class. She clears her throat

before reading from her notebook.

RONNIE

I hate the way you talk to me

And the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car.

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots

And the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick.

It even makes me rhyme.

She pauses, then continues.

RONNIE

(continuing)

I hate it...

I hate the way you're always right.

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh;

Even worse when you make me cry.

She begins to cry as she continues to read.

RONNIE

(continuing)

I hate it when you're not around

And the fact that you didn't call,

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;

Not even close;

Not even a little bit;

Not even at all.

She looks directly at Jack. He looks back this time, morose,

thoughtful.

Then she walks out of the room The rest of the class remains

in stunned silence.

EXT. PARKING LOT - AFTER SCHOOL

Students are leaving school. Ronnie walks to her car alone. When she

opens the door, she's greeted with the same Fender Stratocaster guitar

that Jack saw her playing in the store before, reclining in the

front seat.

She picks it up slowly, inspecting every detail, as Jack leans in

behind her.

JACK

Nice, huh?

RONNIE

A Fender Strat? Is this for me?

JACK

Yeah. I thought you could use it.

You know, when you start your band.

Besides, I had some extra cash, you know.

Some asshole paid me to take out a really

great girl.

RONNIE

(smiling)

Is that right?

JACK

Yeah, but I screwed up. I, um...

I fell for her.

He blushes and looks down.

RONNIE

Really?

JACK

It's not every day you find

a girl who'll flash someone to get you

out of detention.

Ronnie is surprised and embarrassed that he found out about the flashing.

RONNIE

Oh, god...

She laughs. He takes this as a sign to kiss her and he does.

She lets him this time, then breaks it off suddenly.

RONNIE

You can't just buy me a guitar every

time you screw up, you know.

He winces.

JACK

Yeah, I know. But then, you know, there's always

drums and bass and maybe even one day a tambourine.

He gives her another kiss, which she breaks off again.

RONNIE

And don't just think you can...

He kisses her to shut her up, not letting her end it this time.

As the music plays, we pan out of the parking lot, across to the

school building, and up to where the band is playing on the roof.

The music plays, the credits roll.

THE END

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW. THANK YOU.


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